I’ve debated about writing on this subject for awhile now due to its sensitive nature. However, I know that when someone opens up to me about their trials, it puts life into perspective. I am not alone. I am not the only person quietly crippling under the weight of anxiety. Perhaps my story can help someone else.
Before I jump right in, I want to explain anxiety from an objective standpoint. All of this information comes from the various doctors, specialists and therapists I have seen over the years. Unlike a broken leg or pinched nerve, anxiety is a result of a combination of individual factors. In this way, some anxiety sufferers have direct triggers while others have indirect triggers. We all experience anxiety in our lives, such as before performing on stage or beginning a sporting event. This anxiety helps us to perform better; the increase of blood pressure and circulation gives the muscles more power. “Fight or flight,” the commonly-referred to instinct, is at the very core of anxiety.
Fight or flight is the result of your brain activating both your nervous and adrenal-cortical systems. From the brain, a message is sent to every nerve, which activates the release of adrenaline from your adrenal glands. This causes an increase in blood pressure and heart rate. At the same time, the same message is being sent to the pituitary gland, activating the adrenal-cortical system. A hormone is sent out from the pituitary down to the adrenal glands, which activates the release of about 30 hormones that prepare for the perceived threat. When this happens, muscles become tense, pupils dilate to let in more light, superficial veins constrict, digestion and immune systems shut down to allow more energy for emergency functions. This explains the muscle tightness, pupil dilation, skin “chill”, nausea and frequent bowel movements that occur with anxiety.
All of these physical responses are to help you survive your threat by either running away or fighting back, thus “fight or flight”. Anxiety is when you experience this response without an actual threat.
My experience with anxiety began in high school. I took on a lot of stress as a teenager. I was involved with AP classes, band, school council and I was the editor of a yearbook. This was on top of the church volunteering, house chores and regular classes I was doing. For a normal adult brain, this is stressful, but able to be handled. For my immature, teenage brain the stress actually interfered with my developing brain functions, eventually inhibiting my mental growth. Of course, this was something I didn’t know at the time. All I knew was that it was getting harder to make decisions, focus and interact. Eventually it manifested itself physically. I felt weak, dizzy, light-headed and my heart would pound so hard I thought I was having a heart attack. At first I thought I was anemic, so I began taking iron supplements, but it never got better. Then I felt nauseous in class, or would have the urge to void my bowels. I frequently left class. I would sit in the bathroom alone, praying that some teacher would walk in and know exactly what to do. At the same time, I was hoping nobody would walk in for fear of hearing me dry heaving and crying. Fear would intensify, making my thoughts spiral downward faster, my heart pound harder and my conscious waver. Am I going to pass out? Am I having a heart attack? Stroke? The what-if thoughts drown me out, until the left side of my body feels like it’s on fire, while my right side is completely numb. But, it all passes and I’m left exhausted and my chest is left with an ache. This happened almost every day, in my dreams and in real life. What was real and what was dreamt all blurred together. I wasn’t myself. After missing so much class, I was rushed to a guidance counselor. The guidance I received was exposure therapy. How can I be exposed to my fear, if I don’t fully understand what my fear is? I got through my classes academically, but I didn’t graduate mentally.
I had to drop out of my university classes, since I couldn’t even sit through ten minutes of a lecture with 800 other students. While my friends were beginning their lives, I contemplated ending mine. I couldn’t even walk outside without having a panic attack. I became a hermit. This was when I was finally diagnosed with a panic disorder.
So what changed? It wasn’t dramatic, I can tell you that much. It is a long process that I am still going through. What I finally realized was that stress affected me. I could not cope with my anxiety with just meditation or just naturopathic remedies. I needed balance. I found the right medication after three years, and I have learned many relaxing techniques. My anxiety differs in every situation, so one method will not work every time. The biggest thing that has helped me however, is not fighting. You cannot fight anxiety. It is not the mental health dragon you are meant to slay. Your anxiety is a misunderstood response to your fight or flight instinct. Instinct protects you. In my mind’s eye, I form my anxiety into a protector. I lay my hand on my protector’s arm in my mind, and physically I lay my left hand over my right arm. I thank my protector for doing her duty, but I remind her that everything is alright in this moment. Combining your imagination with the sense of physical touch is powerful.
Long term; I exercise, try to eat healthier things, meditate, sleep lots and nap often. My family and significant other are my support system. When I get knocked down again and again, they are there to support me as I stand back up. I try to be around more animals, and limit my time in large groups of people. I listen to more music, sing more, photograph more and create more. My anxiety is a part of who I am. I would not change that because of who it has made me today.
You will be okay. You will get better. You are not alone.
