New bank offers analog service (satire)

just the facts

In an effort to take advantage of the current trend toward all things analog, a new area bank is offering customers service that harkens to another time.

“With the resurgence of vinyl records, paper books, coffee percolators and cheesy facial hair, we decided the time was right for an analog banking experience,” said Bertrand Dawes, manager of the Yorkton branch of the Foam Lake-Usherville-Canora-Kamsack Fidelity Feduciary Bank.

article continues below

The bank, operating under the motto “Prudent, Fruitful, Frugal Investment,” does not have computers, bank machines or credit cards and is only open from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m. Monday to Friday.

“I started in this business with TD-Canada Trust, which is open evenings and Saturdays, so I never really understood what the phrase “bankers’ hours” was all about until now,” Dawes said. “But the staff actually works from nine-to-five; we need all that extra time to do all the accounting stuff the computers used to do.”

Dawes said the toughest part of getting the bank off the ground was sourcing supplies and equipment.

“Finding parchment ledgers, quills and inkwells was difficult, but we found a supplier in Kathmandu, Tibet, apparently some of the monks there still do things the old way,” he noted.

Customers, mostly from the millennial crowd, appear to be enjoying the experience.

“I love the long line-ups to see a teller,” said 25-year-old Mayguhn Poppins. “Everybody complains, just like on Facebook, but the people are literally right there, like, in person.”

Kuyawl Banks, 27, sees a financial benefit.

“It’s awesome, like, if I want to go out on Saturday, I have to, like, literally, make it to the bank before two on Friday and take out cash,” he explained. “Then if I run out of money, I can’t spend anymore. I’m saving a bundle.”

It is not just youngsters who like it, however.

Olga Kravetz, who just turned 93 last week, goes in for the atmosphere.

“The tellers are all men and they are very patronizing and condescending,” she said. “It makes me feel like a girl again.”

The only inauthentic element of the new bank is that everybody isn’t smoking all the time.

“We put in ashtrays, but they’re only ornamental,” Dawes said. “We couldn’t get around the provincial law.”

© Copyright Yorkton This Week


NOTE: To post a comment you must have an account with at least one of the following services: Disqus, Facebook, Twitter, Google+ You may then login using your account credentials for that service. If you do not already have an account you may register a new profile with Disqus by first clicking the "Post as" button and then the link: "Don't have one? Register a new profile".

The Yorkton This Week welcomes your opinions and comments. We do not allow personal attacks, offensive language or unsubstantiated allegations. We reserve the right to edit comments for length, style, legality and taste and reproduce them in print, electronic or otherwise. For further information, please contact the editor or publisher, or see our Terms and Conditions.

comments powered by Disqus