SUMA votes to oust Maple Creek (satire)

just the facts

The Saskatchewan Urban Municipalities Association (SUMA) has passed a resolution to oust Maple Creek from the province.

The town of just over 2,000 in the far southwest corner of the province boasts the warmest climate in Saskatchewan with an average high daily temperature in February of 0C, approximately 10 degrees higher than the provincial average.

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At SUMA’s annual convention last week, the delegation from La Ronge, which holds the dubious distinction of being the coldest municipality in Saskatchewan brought forward the resolution, which read:

“Whereas Saskatchewan is known for its cold climate; and

Whereas it is a Saskatchewan tradition to bitch relentlessly about the cold weather; and

Whereas Maple Creek almost invariably enjoys moderate temperatures when the rest of us are freezing our asses off;

Therefore, be it resolved that the Saskatchewan Urban Municipalities Association request that the Provincial Legislature commence proceedings to eject Maple Creek from the Province.”

La Ronge Mayor Roy Woytowich explained the impetus for the resolution.

“We’re just so sick of coming to these meetings and having to look at their smug, tanned faces,” he said. “Let them go join Alberta.”

The resolution was passed almost unanimously with only the City of Swift Current dissenting.

“We were afraid with Maple Creek gone we would become the warmest municipality,” said Swift Current Mayor Denis Perrault.

Saskatchewan Premier Brad Wall, who also hails from Swift Current took a circumspect stance.

“We hate to see this kind of thing, but the message coming out of SUMA is a very strong one and the government will look at it seriously,” he said.

The Maple Creek delegation, wearing shades and sporting Bermuda shorts, took the vote in stride.

“Haters gonna hate hate hate hate hate hate,” said Maple Creek Mayor Barry Rudd. “We’re just gonna shake shake shake shake shake it off.

At the time of this writing it was +18C in Maple Creek and -1C in La Ronge.

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