Dear Editor:
In honour of Yorkton Pride Week May 12th through 20th 2018, I am writing to celebrate diversity. For far too long we have ignored the existence of gender and sexual diversity by saying it does not exist-- or worse, we have enacted gender and sexual policing, which says gender and sexual diversity should not exist.
Whether through their religious beliefs, social education, or lived experiences, many people in our society have come to think that the world is entirely cisgender and heterosexual, and that this is the only way to express yourself and experience being human. Of course, it’s okay to be cisgender and/or heterosexual. But it is not okay is to oppress or do harm to others who are not. This oppression and harm takes many forms. The deepest harm often happens in childhood, even when adults don’t mean it to.
Most children know their gender identities by the time they’re 3 to 5 years old. Often, they explore their identities through play. Most quickly learn if they are transgender or simply gender non-conforming that their identities will not be tolerated. They are told certain colours, toys, and styles of clothing are not for them. They are told that they have to act in particular ways (girls shouldn’t roughhouse! boys will be boys!) or suppress particular emotions (boys don’t cry! girls don’t yell!). In short, they are told that certain kinds of human behaviour are not acceptable for them.
To be clear, trans children don’t identify as boys, girls, or non-binary people just because they like pink, or hate dresses, or love trucks, etc. They embrace or reject certain objects and behaviours because society has strongly associated neutral things with gender, turning colours and clothing and toys into symbols. Trans children are rejecting the symbols of an incorrect gender that adults are attempting to put on them.
This is why, even if a child is completely free to dress, act, and play in ways that are comfortable to them, they still might come to identify as a different gender than the one they were assigned. Yet many adults will then tell them that’s not possible. We take our own experiences with gender and project them onto others, with terrible results.
If a child’s feelings of how they know themselves are supported, they will be consistent and persistent in expressing their identity, whether cisgender or transgender. When their feelings and identities are not supported, children suffer. The Trans PULSE project found in 2012 that trans youths with unsupportive parents reported lower life satisfaction, worse mental and physical health, higher rates of depression, and increased attempts at suicide. After all, how are they supposed to believe that they are safe and loved when the adults closest to them deny that their experiences are real or meaningful?
Pride Week is an opportunity to do better. To celebrate those lives often not celebrated. To tell those in our lives that they are loved and loveable for who they are. That we honour and celebrate them. That we love them for their uniqueness and not in spite of it.
I have a unique position in society: to see the impact of respect and celebration upon those in our communities who are gender and sexually diverse. It is an experience I wish more people could share.
When I sit with a youth and they talk through the endless ways to express and identify their gender, and they find an identity label that aligns with how they know themselves, they come alive. The joy that is released in them is palpable.
When I sit with the parents of a child who has come out as gender or sexually diverse, they are free to ask their questions without judgement, with interest in their worries, fears and needs. I see the complete release of emotion in their faces. Their eyes often shine with joy once they know their child has a future-- that their child is not going to face the total oppression that was once present in our society. That we have laws to protect and support their child. That both they and their child are not alone. That they can just love their child and that they will be loved. That gender and sexually diverse people can have happy, successful lives which include career, family, and social connections, and that they are able to find peace and belonging.
When I see a gender or sexually diverse person learn that they have the freedom and power to grow and change, they blossom. They come alive at the chance to cut their hair in a new style that better suits them, or to get a coat in the fashion they want, rather than the fashion they are told they should want. The flourish when they are supported to join the team and play with others like them. They light up when they are addressed by the correct name and pronouns. Is it hard to imagine how such simple things could possibly be so meaningful? These ordinary things are taken for granted by cisgender people. They are, however, hard fought for and cherished gender diverse people.
I was taken back to a survey done at UBC by the College of Nursing in 2014, which surveyed students in schools that had strong visible and active Gay-Straight Alliances. The survey studied the mental wellness of students in schools with and without strong GSAs. Not surprisingly, in the schools with strong GSAs, the incidence of suicide attempts by gender and sexually diverse youth was reduced by over 50%. What was surprising was that in schools with strong GSAs, suicide attempts were equally reduced by over 50% for students that identified as cisgender, heterosexual, and male.
This speaks very strongly to the idea that if we love, support, respect, and celebrate our children for who they are and who they may be, everyone benefits. No one should live in fear of what others might say or do if they let their true self come out. No one should have to fear that they will lose their home, job, or the respect of those around them. A strong and inclusive support system helps everyone.
So, let us celebrate diversity, not just tolerate it. Let’s talk about our uniqueness. Let’s make our lives richer by being kind to those who live outside of our own personal experiences. Let’s help everybody feel the joy and freedom of being themselves.
In order to do this, we must talk about difference. We must have those conversations with our children, even if it means saying, “I don’t understand, but I support you,” or admitting, “I don’t know the answer to that. Let’s find out.” We must see diversity in our daily lives. See it in literature, in media, in our schools, our subjects of study, our workplaces, and our communities. Representations of gender diversity help gender diverse people feel validated and included and help cisgender people get to know us as people rather than stereotypes.
Join in the celebration and help make our community-- our world-- a better place for those that are gender and sexually diverse. If you are struggling with this celebration and would like to have a conversation and discuss this further, please reach out. I am happy to have a coffee and discuss your thoughts on becoming a community that celebrates, respects, and includes everyone.
Laura Budd
